Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The truth is...

Sorry I didn't post last week. We are all human and life got in the way.

My favorite childhood movie was Big Bird Goes to Japan. I would watch it all the time. Big Bird got lost while in Japan and a mysterious young woman tries to help him find his way back home. But in the end, it turns out the young woman is in fact a Princess. In the final scene, Big Bird is flying home and you can see the Princess being ushered away across the moon. It is rather sad because she does not look happy about it. However, Big Bird found his way home and that was the point of the movie after all. For my 18th birthday, my parents found that movie for me on VHS and I watched it.

What does have to do with MRKH? Glad you asked. It doesn’t. But I thought that by watching it; it would make me happy. It didn’t. Truth is, for a while after I found out about my diagnosis, nothing made me happy for a very long time, years even. Sure for those of you that knew me, I appeared happy and carefree. But at that time, I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through because I felt like no one would understand. I didn’t know anyone else affected with MRKH so how would anyone be able to know what I was going through. So, I did what I knew how to do and pushed it all away. I put on a brave face and went about my days. I would actually sometimes make jokes about not being able to have kids or not having my period. Looking back at it now, it was just a defense mechanism. I was never shy about telling people I was born without a uterus. However, I did NEVER mention I was born with an underdeveloped vaginal canal. I don’t know why. I think that made me seem less of a woman. The MIA uterus I could deal with. But I think, the more I am writing about this, the more I am learning about myself and I was ashamed that I felt like I didn’t have a vagina. I knew and I know I have one. I had and I have sex. But for some reason I felt like a freak. And I didn’t even realize that until right now. I masked the pain I was in so well that I had myself fooled. Like I said though, I was “the light of the party” as some people would say on the outside, but on the inside, my light, was fading. I did things I am not proud of and I wish I could take back and those things I will have to live with. I hurt people that no amount of apologies will ever make it right, nor do I ever expect to be forgiven. I guess in my own way, it was a way of escaping my own reality.

I acted a certain way because I was lost. I felt like I could forget about being a freak. I could forget about not being able to carry a child or having sex like a normal girl. If I could pretend like I was okay on the outside why couldn’t I be okay on the inside? I didn’t see myself the way others, especially my family, saw me. I had absolutely no self-worth. Like I said in prior postings, I wanted to be a wife and a mother. Those plans were shot to hell now. Since I started this process, I decided that I would be 100% truthful because that will be the best way to hopefully help me. For a split second, I do remember thinking, why am I here? I messed up. I was a freak without a uterus and had a teeny tiny vaginal canal. No man will ever want to be with me because I would never be able to carry their child. I will never be a mom and that’s all I ever wanted. But then I wouldn’t have my family. And I would take my family over anything. ANYTHING.

And then I grew up. I realized I had it a lot better than most people. There were kids born without arms and legs. Some babies don’t even make it home from the hospital. As my dad would always say, “there are starving kids in Africa and you are going to sit there until you are done,” when I didn’t want to eat. I was one of the lucky ones. I had clothes on my back and a roof on my head. Why in the world was I complaining? Back then, I was just a child myself trying to understand all of this. But understanding all of this meant learning about my options a whole lot more…

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