Jealousy.

I have had a lot of people private message me since I started this blog. Many told me how awesome they think it is that I can talk about this, which I appreciate more then you ever know. For the longest time I thought I had to keep this private and only share with those that I wanted to share with. Well, screw that. Writing has been so much fun for me and it feels so incredibly amazing to talk about the fact that I have MRKH. One of my reasons for wanting to share was to hopefully be able to speak to someone else struggling. Maybe not with the fact that they don’t have a uterus or a vaginal canal, but just anyone feeling like they don’t belong or were alone. Recently, I received a private message and she asked me a question that I think about every day because I am literally surrounded by it. Sadly, this woman lost her baby a few years ago and although I don’t know how that feels, I can relate.

“How do you keep from getting jealous when you find out your friends are pregnant?”

I laughed a little when I read that. My sister is currently pregnant. My best friend, who I consider my sister, is pregnant. Her sister-in-law and cousin-in-law are both pregnant, both who I know and love. The mailman’s cousin’s boyfriend’s little sister is pregnant. I swear, it’s like in the water. Maybe it’s the 50 Shades of Baby Boom era. Everywhere I go, someone I know is pregnant, had a baby, currently trying to have a baby, etc. So, when I got that message, all I could do was laugh.

I’m human. I have natural emotions and I said before I was going to be completely honest with all of you. I do get jealous when I find out someone is pregnant. I can’t help it. It lasts probably for about a minute or two. I get a rush of different emotions: jealously, anger, guilt, happiness, lucky, then thankful. Now, before everyone starts to judge and think I am a terrible person for feeling these emotions, please let me explain.

The first feeling I get is jealously. If you have been following my blog; this is pretty much obvious. I get jealous that they are going to get to experience pregnancy, all the good and bad. I get jealous they have a uterus. Stupid, I know which is then when I get mad. I get mad because I start to feel how unfair it is all over again. Why did I have to be born without that? I want to be a mom too. It’s not fair. Why did God choose me? Why do they get to be happy and I don’t. Which VERY quickly turns into guilt. I feel guilty because why in the world am I thinking these things?! It isn’t their fault that I was born the way I was. It’s no one’s fault. So then, my mini rush of emotions is just happiness/excitement and for the next 9 months I’m on Cloud 11 right along with them.

Like I said in my prior entry, God made me this way for a reason. I’m not ready to know what that reason is yet. One day I will know that reason. So yes, I get jealous and I’m okay with admitting that because I know in my heart I am so beyond happy for my friends and family and even the mailman’s cousin’s boyfriend’s little sister. How lucky am I that I get to share in this amazing experience (the good and the bad) with them? How lucky am I that the mommys to be allow me to be part of their children’s lives? How lucky am I that I know in 9 months, I am going to have another little baby to hug and kiss and spoil the heck out of? I’m really lucky I get to watch the babies grow up to be amazing kids. I feel lucky that I get to load the kids up with sugar and get them all wild because I’m a cool aunt (hopefully they think I am) and then give them back to their parents. When the kids get older, I’m going to be lucky that they know they can turn to me if they have any problems. And yes, I know these kids aren’t mine and no, I don’t pretend that they are. But, knowing that I can’t have kids, I feel a special connection to them.

And for that, I will forever be thankful.