Beautiful You MRKH

As some of you could see, I have an opportunity to be part of a research project for women with MRKH. The researchers would take some blood samples from me and any of my immediate family members that would like to participate to study our DNA. They want to try to find the cause of MRKH and IF it could be prevented. I wasn’t specially selected, I volunteered. I am part of a wonderful “Sisterhood of Warriors”, if you would, of women from literally all across the world that have been blessed with this. I honestly didn’t know it existed until I was looking up more on the syndrome myself and I saw all these women. I couldn’t tell you how excited I was to FINALLY have a group of people that understood. I know I have my friends and family that I could talk to here and they have been more than supportive, but it’s just different when there are people that are actually going through the same feelings and emotions.

I am part of the Beautiful You MRKH Foundation. It is a wonderful organization that encourages us lucky ladies to be proud of ourselves and to remind us how beautiful we are even with MRKH. The one thing I really love and feel like I should also be doing, is the foundation encourages us to talk about the syndrome and bring awareness to it. I would LOVE to tell someone I have MRKH and not have to explain it. I want them just to say, “Oh, so you were born without the proper parts of the reproductive system?” Hell yea I was and I rock it! I wouldn’t actually say that, but I would be screaming it in my head. Every doctor appointment and trip to the ER, “Is there any chance that you may be pregnant?” Of course I could just say no and leave it at that. However, these are medical professionals. Why shouldn’t I tell them I have MRKH? Because then they question me as to what it is and I tell them. “Oh, I have never heard of that before,” is what they usually respond with. Who knows what happens after that conversation. Maybe they forget about it. But, maybe they don’t. Maybe they tell another co-worker who has never heard of it and so on. Maybe they both go home and research it. Then, maybe 2 years from my visit, another 17 year old girl comes in and has never had a period because she also has MRKH. Imagine how that little girl will feel when that doctor or nurse doesn’t have to question her about it because he or she already knows what it is.

That’s why I’m doing this. That’s what the Beautiful You MRKH Foundation is about. I encourage you all just to look at their page and see what they do. They have helped me be proud of myself. The foundation has proved to me that I am not alone in my feelings and that other women all across the world are affected by this. Maybe, one day, MRKH won’t be something women are afraid to talk about but instead, are proud to have been blessed with.

www.beautifulyoumrkh.org

Jealousy.

I have had a lot of people private message me since I started this blog. Many told me how awesome they think it is that I can talk about this, which I appreciate more then you ever know. For the longest time I thought I had to keep this private and only share with those that I wanted to share with. Well, screw that. Writing has been so much fun for me and it feels so incredibly amazing to talk about the fact that I have MRKH. One of my reasons for wanting to share was to hopefully be able to speak to someone else struggling. Maybe not with the fact that they don’t have a uterus or a vaginal canal, but just anyone feeling like they don’t belong or were alone. Recently, I received a private message and she asked me a question that I think about every day because I am literally surrounded by it. Sadly, this woman lost her baby a few years ago and although I don’t know how that feels, I can relate.

“How do you keep from getting jealous when you find out your friends are pregnant?”

I laughed a little when I read that. My sister is currently pregnant. My best friend, who I consider my sister, is pregnant. Her sister-in-law and cousin-in-law are both pregnant, both who I know and love. The mailman’s cousin’s boyfriend’s little sister is pregnant. I swear, it’s like in the water. Maybe it’s the 50 Shades of Baby Boom era. Everywhere I go, someone I know is pregnant, had a baby, currently trying to have a baby, etc. So, when I got that message, all I could do was laugh.

I’m human. I have natural emotions and I said before I was going to be completely honest with all of you. I do get jealous when I find out someone is pregnant. I can’t help it. It lasts probably for about a minute or two. I get a rush of different emotions: jealously, anger, guilt, happiness, lucky, then thankful. Now, before everyone starts to judge and think I am a terrible person for feeling these emotions, please let me explain.

The first feeling I get is jealously. If you have been following my blog; this is pretty much obvious. I get jealous that they are going to get to experience pregnancy, all the good and bad. I get jealous they have a uterus. Stupid, I know which is then when I get mad. I get mad because I start to feel how unfair it is all over again. Why did I have to be born without that? I want to be a mom too. It’s not fair. Why did God choose me? Why do they get to be happy and I don’t. Which VERY quickly turns into guilt. I feel guilty because why in the world am I thinking these things?! It isn’t their fault that I was born the way I was. It’s no one’s fault. So then, my mini rush of emotions is just happiness/excitement and for the next 9 months I’m on Cloud 11 right along with them.

Like I said in my prior entry, God made me this way for a reason. I’m not ready to know what that reason is yet. One day I will know that reason. So yes, I get jealous and I’m okay with admitting that because I know in my heart I am so beyond happy for my friends and family and even the mailman’s cousin’s boyfriend’s little sister. How lucky am I that I get to share in this amazing experience (the good and the bad) with them? How lucky am I that the mommys to be allow me to be part of their children’s lives? How lucky am I that I know in 9 months, I am going to have another little baby to hug and kiss and spoil the heck out of? I’m really lucky I get to watch the babies grow up to be amazing kids. I feel lucky that I get to load the kids up with sugar and get them all wild because I’m a cool aunt (hopefully they think I am) and then give them back to their parents. When the kids get older, I’m going to be lucky that they know they can turn to me if they have any problems. And yes, I know these kids aren’t mine and no, I don’t pretend that they are. But, knowing that I can’t have kids, I feel a special connection to them.

And for that, I will forever be thankful.

Surrogacy.

If I choose to have a baby and don’t want to adopt, my other option is surrogacy. This is where doctors would take my egg (since I still produce those) and implant the sperm from either my husband or a sperm donor if I choose to go at it alone. They would then take that little bundle of joy and implant it into a woman who will then carry my child to term in her uterus. Essentially it would be my bun but her oven. Now if you remember my entry about adoption and how crazy my mind was all over the place, this is no different. Actually, this may be worse.

I get a baby with my genes. My blood. It would be a part of me and (hopefully) my husband’s. Not only would that baby be a part of me, but I wouldn’t get the stretch marks, I wouldn’t get the kicks, I wouldn’t get the indigestion, and I wouldn’t get the morning sickness. You know when you were younger and your mom or dad told you not to do something and it just made you want to do it that much more? That’s how I feel. Knowing I won’t get to experience any of that stuff that I hear so many women complain about makes me want it that much more. I WANT to experience the kicks and hiccups. I WANT to get the morning sickness and indigestion. I know, call me crazy. But it’s like the girls that have straight hair want curly hair and the curly haired girls always want the straight hair. But it’s not only that stuff that I think about when I think about another woman carrying my child. Who would she be? Would she be someone I know? Who would possibly want to give up 9months of their life to carry my child? What if something happened to her while she was carrying my child or giving birth to my child? I know they go through all sorts of tests, physically and mentally, but I could never live with myself if something happened. I mean, crazy things happen all the time. What if I picked a woman from an agency and the pregnancy made her crazy and she runs off with my baby? I know that’s farfetched but I’ve seen Dateline. Then, once I get over all the crazy thoughts, my emotions start setting in and I start to feel inadequate as a woman because someone else is having to carry MY child. Yes, I know it’s not looked upon like that. But put yourself in my shoes. Imagine trying to bake a cake. You have all the ingredients but you’re missing the most important part of the process, the actual oven to bake it in. So, you have to borrow someone else’s oven and watch YOUR cake bake in an unfamiliar oven where anything can happen and you can’t control it because it’s not yours. Crushing. And now I really want cake. Back on topic, Teri! Like adoption, this can also be pretty expensive. However, I will say this, if I choose to have child, no amount of money will be a roadblock. I’m just saying that finances are something to think about because you have to pay for the actual process, checkups, medical bills, and medicine, anything about that baby and really anything about that woman carrying your child for the next 9months, is you. 

So, as you can tell, I want to be a mom. However, I’m realizing that just because I want to be a mom doesn’t mean I am ready to be one. I’m not going to be selfish and go through the long process of either options. Like I said before, it’s not just about me, it’s about that child. I still have a lot of research and learning to do. I wish I had it easy and I could just decide which road I want to take: adopt or surrogacy. But I have to figure out which one is right for me and it may take me a little bit longer but right now, I’m okay with that.

For you.

Recently, a married couple I know and love, tried twice to conceive through artificial insemination and twice they were unsuccessful. I spoke to her and something she said hit home with me. She said, “God is cruel. Just not meant to be I guess”. I wanted to cry for her when I read that. Although she CAN carry a baby and she DOES have all the necessary working “parts”, I felt for her. I went through all those emotions when I first found out I would never be able to carry a child. I thought maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom. Why did this have to happen to me? But the truth is, I may never know why and she may never know why it didn’t work. But maybe it’s about finding out how strong we are and maybe THAT was God’s plan.

This entry is for her.

I already said before that I am not a very religious person, however, I do believe in God and that there is a reason for everything. Everyone has their share of bad days, weeks, hell, my family has had it for years. Yes, it’s not fair. But that’s also life. This beautiful & crazy disaster of a thing called life. You have to believe that one day, all the bad storms you went through will be worth it. One day, if I choose, I will have a baby. Maybe that baby will be mine or maybe that baby will be one that I adopt. But, I am thankful that God gave me that choice and it’s up to me when I am ready. Talking to her made me realize that everyone has their own struggle. Whether it be not having a uterus, not being able to conceive, trying for 7 years,  or even going thru a rough pregnancy and having to watch what you eat. It made me realize that I am not alone in this journey. Even though we may be taking different paths with different obstacles, the destination is the same: becoming a mom.

And for you, your day of motherhood will come. Whether it be by trying again or adopting. It will happen. Don’t be sad because you had a few setbacks. Trust me when I say I know how you feel. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it’s not fair.  You have to look at these trying times as test of your strength. But if you want to be a mother, you will.

Miracles can  happen.

I love you both.

Adoption and What If's

After I grew up and realized nothing I can do or how I was acting will change what I was born with, or without, it was time for me to learn a little bit more about my two options if I ever decided to have a child.

When I start to think about adoption I just get so overwhelmed. I can’t tell you how many times I looked on sites, signed up for newsletters, I even looked at pictures of potential children. When I was younger and I heard people adopted I had NO idea what even went into that process. As I grew older I looked at adopting a child as my way of helping him/her. Maybe they couldn’t have the life I would provide for them and God knew this. I am not much of a religious person (sorry mom), however, I do believe there is a reason God made me the way he did. Maybe it was for me to help children and become the next Angelina Jolie and just go on a wild adopting spree. But if that was the plan, it would have been nice if he provided me with the income to do so! I’m going to do my best and bring you inside my mind when I start to think about adoption. Buckle up, it might be a little all over the place.

Domestic adoption? International adoption? If I go international, I have to narrow it down to what country and that’s based on what country is even allowing adoption into the United States. Then I have to worry about money because normally you will have to go to that country once or twice before you bring that child home so that can cost a pretty penny. What gender would I prefer? What race? What age? That stuff does not matter to me. Actually, that was just a lie. Age matters. I want a baby. Which may make it even harder for me because I heard babies are harder. Then I start to feel guilty because I think of all the other children that are older and are still in foster care. What about them? If I went international, what if I was in the middle of the process and that country suddenly stopped adoption with the United States? Would I still get my baby or would I have to start all over again after I potentially may have already met and fallen in love with him or her? What if I put my name on “the list” and it takes seven years? What if I put my name on “the list” and the process takes 6 months. I live with my mother. She is an angel, but I don’t know how she feel about having ANOTHER baby running around the house. I’m enough to deal with. What if the child doesn’t adapt well to me? I can’t send them back. This isn’t a trial. If I adopt, that child is choosing me too. What if I decided to go with a domestic adoption? Would I go thru a private agency or the state? Ugh and don’t even get me started on narrowing down WHICH agency to use! You know how many agencies are out there? How will I find which one is perfect for me and fits my needs and my wallet? That sounds terrible but let’s face it, this is expensive and I’m single. Oh yea, let’s throw that in the mix, I’M SINGLE! What if I adopt now and I find someone and they don’t want kids? Well sorry mister, my child comes first. Do agencies even adopt to single parents? How in the world would I even afford to go thru the process AND care for the child? Can I even do that by myself? I know a lot of single parents and they are amazing, but could I be one of them?

Yes, I know that there is someone out there for me. Yes, I know that once I start the process, IF I choose to go the adoption route, it will all start to fall into place. Yes, I know that once I choose an agency to work with, they will help me figure out how to do everything and finances and what have you. After all, that is what they get paid to do. But, what if, after all these questions running through my head, what if adoption just isn’t right for me?

The truth is...

Sorry I didn't post last week. We are all human and life got in the way.

My favorite childhood movie was Big Bird Goes to Japan. I would watch it all the time. Big Bird got lost while in Japan and a mysterious young woman tries to help him find his way back home. But in the end, it turns out the young woman is in fact a Princess. In the final scene, Big Bird is flying home and you can see the Princess being ushered away across the moon. It is rather sad because she does not look happy about it. However, Big Bird found his way home and that was the point of the movie after all. For my 18th birthday, my parents found that movie for me on VHS and I watched it.

What does have to do with MRKH? Glad you asked. It doesn’t. But I thought that by watching it; it would make me happy. It didn’t. Truth is, for a while after I found out about my diagnosis, nothing made me happy for a very long time, years even. Sure for those of you that knew me, I appeared happy and carefree. But at that time, I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through because I felt like no one would understand. I didn’t know anyone else affected with MRKH so how would anyone be able to know what I was going through. So, I did what I knew how to do and pushed it all away. I put on a brave face and went about my days. I would actually sometimes make jokes about not being able to have kids or not having my period. Looking back at it now, it was just a defense mechanism. I was never shy about telling people I was born without a uterus. However, I did NEVER mention I was born with an underdeveloped vaginal canal. I don’t know why. I think that made me seem less of a woman. The MIA uterus I could deal with. But I think, the more I am writing about this, the more I am learning about myself and I was ashamed that I felt like I didn’t have a vagina. I knew and I know I have one. I had and I have sex. But for some reason I felt like a freak. And I didn’t even realize that until right now. I masked the pain I was in so well that I had myself fooled. Like I said though, I was “the light of the party” as some people would say on the outside, but on the inside, my light, was fading. I did things I am not proud of and I wish I could take back and those things I will have to live with. I hurt people that no amount of apologies will ever make it right, nor do I ever expect to be forgiven. I guess in my own way, it was a way of escaping my own reality.

I acted a certain way because I was lost. I felt like I could forget about being a freak. I could forget about not being able to carry a child or having sex like a normal girl. If I could pretend like I was okay on the outside why couldn’t I be okay on the inside? I didn’t see myself the way others, especially my family, saw me. I had absolutely no self-worth. Like I said in prior postings, I wanted to be a wife and a mother. Those plans were shot to hell now. Since I started this process, I decided that I would be 100% truthful because that will be the best way to hopefully help me. For a split second, I do remember thinking, why am I here? I messed up. I was a freak without a uterus and had a teeny tiny vaginal canal. No man will ever want to be with me because I would never be able to carry their child. I will never be a mom and that’s all I ever wanted. But then I wouldn’t have my family. And I would take my family over anything. ANYTHING.

And then I grew up. I realized I had it a lot better than most people. There were kids born without arms and legs. Some babies don’t even make it home from the hospital. As my dad would always say, “there are starving kids in Africa and you are going to sit there until you are done,” when I didn’t want to eat. I was one of the lucky ones. I had clothes on my back and a roof on my head. Why in the world was I complaining? Back then, I was just a child myself trying to understand all of this. But understanding all of this meant learning about my options a whole lot more…