The Car Ride Home

Okay so I know many of you are probably wondering…”how is she sexually active with an under developed vaginal canal?” I promise I will get to that.

But for now let me bring you back to the doctor’s office when she just told me I was never going to be able to carry a child. Oh and along with just being told I had no uterus and a tiny vaginal canal; in front of my mother and my father. Now at this point in the game they both already knew I was sexually active but it’s a little more embarrassing when I have to talk about the size of things and the lack of things with them there. But luckily, I have the greatest parents and they were/are wonderful with everything. My family has been through a lot up until that point and my diagnoses of Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser Syndrome (MRKH), was one more thing for us to tackle together.

The moment the doctor told me that news I pretty much shut up, which is a lot for me. I just went blank…numb. I blocked out everything she said after she told me I wasn’t able to have a child. I had pictured my life. I had it all planned. I was going to get married. I was going to be a wife. I was going to be a mom. I was going to be happy. One sentence changed everything I had imagined for myself.

The ride home was one of the longest in my life. I just laid in the back seat. I remember staring at my dad while he drove. I can still picture him. We were all pretty quiet. Up until that day, none of us have ever heard of MRKH. We never even knew that was possible. Especially me. Why was I born without everything I needed? Why was I the lucky 1 out of 5,000 girls that it affects? Why me? I couldn't help but to think about my parents. I wonder if they blamed themselves since I am a product of them. I didn’t want them to feel guilty for creating a broken child.

And that’s how I felt. Broken. On the ride home, I kept thinking about all my dreams and plans about being a mom were now just shattered. I could never carry a child. I wasn’t like every other girl. I was different….a freak. I remember feeling lost.

Why couldn’t I just be normal?